Vapes Aren't The Only Thing We Should Ban

  Y'all heard it. The Trump administration has taken it upon themselves to try and ban E-cigs after 100s of people developed lung issues. Never mind the fact that the most recent cases were due to people buying vapes off the black market with illegal THC cartridges, the good ol' government is here to save the day and now everyone will have to buy their vapes off the black market! Whoohoo! I'm so glad they have taken it upon themselves yet again, to put our health first! Which is why regular cigarettes, tobacco, and alcohol are also being banned! I also assume it's why they're investigating vaccines due to the 30,000 adverse reactions reported to VAERS every single year. Oh wait. None of that is happening? Oh, my bad, I must have been sleep-typing.
  I care a lot about the health of people too, so I thought I'd make a list of 10 other things the government should ban for our health!

1. McDonalds. Um, no more fries and big macs for you, everyone knows McDonalds is the lowest of the lows when it comes to food, which is exactly why the Government should ban all people from ever entering through those golden arches again. I know you think you should be able to eat whatever you want, but clearly you're not mature enough to be making your own choices when it comes to food if you're winding up at McDonalds in the first place.
2. Rap Artists. Wonder why you're teenager turned out to be an annoying brat who disrespects women and curses like a sailor? Well, that is exactly why we should ban rap. Nobody needs the mental images Eminem puts in your mind on his relapse album, so just ban it all together. It's for your own good, kids. I promise, folk music is much better anyway.
3.  Soda, Coffee, Monster Drinks. These drinks have done nothing for society. All they do is make us fat, give us heart problems, and turn us into crazy caffeine addicts! And here we are handing them out like carrots at kids birthday parties, work events, and anywhere a person named Kyle is present! Shame on us as a society. Trump, handle it.
4.  Instagram. We all know Instagram is ruining the self esteem of girls across the world as they stare at the impossible beauty standards brought to you by Face-tune 2 and VSCO cam filters. So why don't we just go ahead and ban it altogether. Nobody needs to see 40 fake butts a day and now men think it's actually possible to look like that! Um not okay people.
5. Cars. Nearly 3 million people are injured every year by cars, yet they keep buying them because they obviously don't know what's good for them! We shouldn't allow American's to be gluttons for punishment when we can create laws to protect them from themselves. This is why cars need to be banned immediately. 
6. Comedians. In a world where hate speech is violently picking off our children one at a time, I think it's time we ban comedians. Dave Chappelle has made it abundantly clear that they cannot handle the responsibility of staying woke while speaking to a large audience. Comedians think it's okay to make fun of people, and I am NOT okay with that. If you care about keeping America free from the dangers of hate speech, then you need to call upon the government to make sure we never have to hear hurtful jokes again from these supposed comedians. I mean, is our mental health important or not?
7. White People. I think this one is obvious. White people have a long history of oppressing us, so to stop further oppression, we should just ban them altogether for the good and health of society. But before we do that, we need to make sure they pay their reparations for their great great grandparent’s crimes against humanity, because nobody is getting away with that. If you don't agree, you're either a racist or you're probably white, which is basically the same thing. Check yourself, hun.
8. Staying Up Late. I know you think you're old enough to do whatever you want and stay up watching Netflix till 2am, but you're not. We all need our sleep, which is why for our best interest, we should not be allowed to stay up past 8:00. Trust me, you'll thank the government for this one when you are waking up refreshed and ready to go for that 8 hour shift at work!
9. Religion. I know that this is America, so I'll probably get heat for this one, but I'm going to stand my ground anyway! Religion is super bad for you. I mean, look at all the wars it's started. Science has proved time and time again that we don't need a God since we all evolved from stardust. Nothing makes children feel better about themselves then knowing they have absolutely no purpose and that they are only here because of chance. The world would be a way better place if people would just acknowledge this reality.
10. Skipping Gym. We need to put an end to laziness in America. You have absolutely no excuse not to be in the gym. Somewhere out there is an article that says people who work out live longer. Do you not want to live longer? THEN WHY ARE YOU BEING LAZY AND MAKING EXCUSES FOR WHY YOU CAN'T GO DO THOSE DEAD LIFTS! Yeesh, it's almost like people want to be unhealthy or something.

I will be sending this list to President Trump tomorrow so that hopefully he can focus on all aspects of our health! I also want to send it to Governor Gavin Newsom in California because he will be spending 20 million dollars to launch a state-sponsored public awareness campaign on the dangers of vaping, and I don't want him to leave anything out! While I'm at it, maybe I'll send a list of things the Government should mandate like vitamins, salads, almond milk, biking or walking as a means of transportation, and wholesome shows from the 50s that aren't full of violence and cursing!

Join me next time as I discuss the new Heroin Safe Spaces being opened across the US in cities like Denver, Philadelphia, Ithaca, New York, New York City and San Fracisco! You can read all about them here :)